Reginald Montgomery “Chuckie” Hogbottom here, Order of the Woodchuck, Recipient of the medal of honor “Marmota Monax” September 2019, Groundhog Knight of the Realm, May 2022, and Recipient of the Order of the Garter July 2023.

While we may be tempted by these cold, gray days of early May to linger in our burrows, sipping the last of the dandelion wine and dreaming of glories past, it’s time to rouse ourselves to action. The truth is, the humans have at long last challenged our supremacy at Green Hope Farm.

Now is the time to redouble our efforts to cause problems, large and small, as well as eat everything in sight. And I mean everything! Yes, I know recent years when we had the gourmet pantry of the main vegetable garden at our COMPLETE DISPOSAL and the 24/7 deli of the hoop house WE COULD BE PICKY. Now, however, we have suffered some setbacks and must settle for edibles we sneered at last year.

Why my (temporary) despondency?

1. The garden compound now has a perimeter fence bolted to ledge several feet underground. The fence soars eight feet above the ground which also is a problem.
2. The humans fixed the gate latch into this garden compound so the door that blew open on gusty days no longer does so.
3. The little humans swarming the place seem able to focus on latching the gate. Even the big humans have remembered to shut the gate.
4. The hoop house also has been reinforced with fencing materials to keep us out. The humans are so confident in their protective measures that melons will be one of the crops grown in the hoop house this season. This is a low blow considering our love of melons.
5. The scruffy 8 pound terrier mutt who is a long time resident of the property has decided chasing us, even those of us twice her size, is fun. Why did she suddenly get passionate about this activity? We have no idea, but let me warn you. She is fast. I have had to take cover in a wild rose thicket to escape her. Twice.
6. Yes, I know we have burrow holes everywhere. However, diving into one of our holes to escape this terror, I mean terrier, can lead to a tedious day. Said dog is happy to sit at the entrance to a hole for ten to twelve hours without moving.
7. The first day without snow cover the main human made up her rotten garlic spray and started spraying all the perennials outside the fence. Get over it my coterie! You are going to have to eat plants coated in this noxious stuff.

While we naively celebrated the Equinox in our usual style of a night singing and dancing, our next meet up, set for this Thursday night, May 7 at 10pm at my burrow will be a more somber affair. Come with your ideas about how we can outsmart the humans. Remember, they are just humans whereas we are groundhogs, superior in every way.