Holiday Letter Syndrome

The last Thanksgiving dish has been washed and the turkey soup is finally gone.

It’s time to settle into the next holiday season, better known as the Holiday Letter Season. This season brings its own variation of Facebook Deflation Syndrome, but instead of being a long term chronic condition that can be re-activated on a daily, even hourly basis by just logging onto a computer, Holiday Letter Syndrome is an acute condition that begins now and ends sometime around the New Year.

To ease myself into Holiday Letter Syndrome, or HLS as I like to call it, I decided to recall some juicy tidbits from last year’s letters, then conjure up some responses to these snippets all in order to build up my stamina for the month ahead.

In response to, “After a whirlwind trek across India, Thailand, and Vietnam, I took a month long timeout in Tahiti.”

I say, “To keep myself in practice for visiting toddlers, I sometimes give myself a timeout in my own special chair right here in our house.”

In response to, “Last Christmas, our extended family took a holiday to the Red Sea for some fabulous snorkeling.”

I say, “We prefer the bewildering variety of marine life found in our neighbor’s above ground swimming pool.”

In response to, “There was a bidding war among publishers for my memoir and Oprah has already called.”

I say, ” I have Oprah on speed dial. Who cares if she never answers?”

In response to, “My daughter is dating a professional basketball player and he gave us season tickets for his games.”

I say, “My son likes the bounce our gravel driveway gives his lay-ups and we certainly like that we can watch him play hoop from the windows of our own home.”

In response to, “On a cruise to Antarctica, we were the guest lecturers speaking on the pressing need to save this beautiful continent from global warming.”

I say, “As part of my own recycling efforts, I now melt down PVC plastics to spin and knit into outdoor wear for my whole family. I even make overcoats for my dogs.”

In response to, “Last summer, my husband and three boys hiked Tibet to the base of Mt. Everest then they stopped off for a retreat in a nearby Buddhist monastery.”

I say, “Every four days all summer my husband mowed the lawn in a complicated mandala configuration. When endless rain made the grass grow several inches each night, he would celebrate the destruction of his latest mandala and welcome the opportunity to mow yet another and another and another unique mandala.

In response to, “We had an eighteen course dinner at the French Laundry where our son-in-law works.”

I say, “Here at the farm, we think a meal with less than forty courses is a rather modest effort.”

Well I think I am all warmed up. Time to go down to town to get the mail and get my HLS rolling.

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