Report from Reginald Montgomery “Chuckie” Hogbottom, Order of the Woodchuck, Recipient of the medal of honor “Marmota Monax” September 2019, Knighted as Groundhog of the Realm, May 2022, Recipient of the Order of the Garter July 2023.
Yes, it’s been another splendid year to be a woodchuck, especially one living on this acreage. And yes, it’s true. I received more well deserved accolades this year, adding another medal to my lapel. How nice was it for King Charles to invite me to his Highgrove estate for a special induction into the Order of the Garter. I enjoyed the apres feast of young Artichokes a la Barigoule (organic of course, this is Charles we are talking about). It was also helpful for future plans to meet up with other woodchucks of my level of sophistication and epicurean appetites. How we encouraged each other in greater feats of glory!
But back to more mundane news. Once more, the sadly misguided human in charge of the vegetable garden depended on a flimsy 8′ tall deer fence to keep me out. Even after a big meal, and there were many, I could easily slip under the fence. When will she learn?
Of course I am glad for this ridiculous fence as it kept away the pesky deer. With the deer excluded (as they should be), there’s “more for the rest of us.” as I like to say to visiting relatives. Often as I snacked on gourmet treats, I pause to thank both the silly human and her silly fence. They work so well for me.
This year I partook of the entire Pea crop. I meant to leave a few pods to ripen, but the tender shoots and baby pods were just so scrumptious. The silly human planted three different kinds of shelling Peas, two different kinds of Sugar Snap Peas and those fantastic Oregon Giant Snow Peas. Yes, I ate them all. No sense doing anything halfway!
I was a bit miffed that the human had planted so many crops that just didn’t appeal to me- Onions, Celery, Parsley, Dill, Basil, Cilantro and Bunching Onions. Is she doing this on purpose? I mean, half the garden seems to be onions!
Fortunately she put in a bumper crop of Beans which I have eaten to the ground twice. She tried spraying the remaining Bean stalks with Garlic spray to deter me. I like a little Garlic with my French Filet Beans and Roma Italian Green Beans. I chuckle at her efforts and wonder who doesn’t love Garlic with Beans? It was almost sad when I saw her creep out of the garden clutching seven beans. She actually looked excited. Pretty pathetic if you ask me.
We had our biggest tussle over an unlikely crop- the Swiss Chard. I think she was particularly proud of this crop because she started it in the greenhouse so it was robust and vibrant early in the season. What do they say? “Pride cometh before a fall.” I was happy to provide the deflation moment and wipe out this early crop. The pink, orange, yellow and red Chard helped me through the lean early garden season when I was only eating six meals a day.
I laughed uproariously when the human wistfully covered the tattered Swiss Chard roots with some sort of mesh screening. She was hoping the crop would survive. Around here, we give her leeway with her “hope springs eternal” efforts. But in fact, this time she was right to hope. The crop came springing back to life. I waited until the Chard was six to eight inches high again before demonstrating my skills removing the screening. Oh how tender was this second crop!
As I finished off the crop for that second time, I could only wonder, “How did she know of my great love of baby vegetables?”
I tried to make a burrow in the center of the garden as I did last year. This vacation home had proved so lovely for mid forage siestas. The human seemed a bit faklempt by the return of the burrow. She filled it rather aggressively with a lot of rocks. I gave her this one and settled on snoozing above ground au naturel with slices of cucumbers on my eyes to cool my fevered brow. Yes, in between 5,000 thunderstorms and days of smoke, we did have a few days hot enough for a fevered brow.
One of the high points for me was when I hosted friends, members of our gastronomic social club Le Marmiton, for our August full moon meeting. Under the light of the moon, we toasted the human and her commitment to keep us in fresh and tender vegetables. Oh what a night! The dancing, the romance, the baby Carrots…. it was perfection.
If you are a woodchuck in the area during the second blue moon this August, please feel free to join us for another epic feast. The Swiss Chard will no doubt have returned to glory and I can promise you some very special Lettuce, Beets and Borage. (I’d offer more but I am afraid I’ve eaten pretty much everything else.)
In the meantime, Bon Appetit!
I am most sincerely, R.M. “Chuckie” Hogbottom