Report from Reginald Montgomery \u201cChuckie\u201d Hogbottom, Order of the Woodchuck, Recipient of the medal of honor \u201cMarmota Monax\u201d September 2019 Knighted as Groundhog of the Realm, May 2022<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This season I took up the challenge of life in the main vegetable garden of Green Hope Farm, a quaint little outfit in the hills of the ‘shire (New Hampshire to those of you from distant parts). <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Until I did my own sleuthing, I was not confident in the advisability of this garden choice as I had heard the people on the property preferred Flowers to vegetables and had a dog that liked to bark at rodents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Arriving at the property in early July, after a bit of a lettuce binge at an old stomping ground, I was quick to discover the dog was half my size and preferred chasing my brethren, the squirrels, to chasing woodchucks.\u00a0 While we never became closely acquainted, I could always count on this canine to provide an afternoon\u2019s entertainment as she unsuccessfully pursued every squirrel to cross her path and many that didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As far as the Flower to Vegetable ratio, it was no problem. The gardener seemed to plant a lot of\neverything. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As you know I am famous for my books, \u201cLow Hanging Fruit\u201d and \u201cHow to Ravage a Vegetable Garden Without Even Trying\u201d in which I share my tricks as a fearless gourmand and Woodchuck influencer. Given the popularity of these and my other books, I knew you, my loyal readers, would expect me to try some new antics this season to create fodder for my next effort in print.\u00a0 Additionally my agent and publisher are after me for a sequel.\u00a0 With these pressures in mind, I had no choice but to up my game.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My first daring and original move was to dig my den in the center of the farm\u2019s vegetable garden. Yes, the headgerow beckoned as a safer alternative but I was determined to set the bar high. The silly gardener made this possible because she had a sort of dome like structure in the middle of the garden. \u00a0I learned it was a fort for grandchildren as climbing vines covered the dome each season making it a nice retreat for little people on the loose.\u00a0 What is it with gardeners and the way they waste space?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But back to my story, I tucked the entrance to my den under Artichoke leaves and various vine leaves and as close as possible to the arching poles that created the dome.\u00a0 This clever camouflage job meant my hole evaded notice for several weeks.\u00a0 I got remarkably cozy in my new den and had a chance to catch up on some correspondence.\u00a0 The WiFi signal from the farm house worked fine for my tablet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Of course, I left my den for frequent snacks. I am known for my restraint in eating only three meals a day with snacks, but still, this does impact a vegetable garden. I could only wonder who she thought was \u201cthinning the beet greens.\u201d \u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Even though I heard the gardener refer to the garden as a \u201cvegetable garden,\u201d she did waste some space on Flowers. \u00a0Fortunately Borage is one of my favorite greens second only to Nasturtium leaves. The denuded plants looked sort of sad without their leaves or Flowers, but what’s a woodchuck to do but keep eating?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Later in the season I would, by necessity, have to branch out and try other Flowers.\u00a0 Tuberose are a true delicacy. I can\u2019t recommend them too highly. There is nothing quite like polishing off all the Tuberose buds the night before they open their perfume laden blossoms.\u00a0 The long months of attentive care by the gardener really made these a treat worth waiting for. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As we all know from my autobiography, \u201cHow Much Wood Can a Wood Chuck Chuck?\u201d the real turn in a garden season comes when the clueless human finally notices that something is eating the crops.\u00a0 When this happened this season, the gardener found my hole and filled it in.\u00a0 I could feel her angst that first time she filled in the hole as she worried needlessly about trapping me in my den.\u00a0 Of course I dug myself out without any problems.\u00a0 Once she saw I could do this, she filled in the hole every day. Rather aggressively I thought. \u00a0And why she pursued this futile course I do not know.\u00a0 It certainly didn\u2019t slow me down. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In fact, I appreciated the opportunity to start my evening feasts with a little warm up digging.\u00a0 This bountiful garden could have made me just a little bit too plump if I hadn\u2019t had the daily routine of a dig out.\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s time for a workout video about this? What do you think?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In any case, I needed the exercise because this gardener followed some tasty trends. It\u2019s always fascinating to watch trends in the vegetable garden. I know you’ve enjoyed my “Market Reports” on Woodchuck TV as much as I have. Frankly every new trend is good news for us woodchucks.\u00a0 Do you remember how our community chuckled when Kale became so popular among humans? It\u2019s simply wonderful how often humans veer towards crops we too revere for accessibility and onsite munchability. (That’s a trademarked phrase by the way, so write me for permission to use it).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You may wonder how I knew this garden was going to be a good one full of trendy vegetables? \u00a0Because I did my preseason homework, OF COURSE! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As you will recall from Podcast episode 320 on \u201cHow to Pick\na Gourmet Gardener and thus Live a Gourmet Lifestyle,\u201d it all comes down to\npreseason scouting. The past few years while I lived down the street, I checked\nall the recycling bins in the neighborhood before choosing a shift in location\nand a new gardener to terrorize. Large\nnumbers of seed catalogs in the recycle bin as well as a small number of\nprocessed food packets often indicate you have identified a good target. Green\nHope Farm met this criteria. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Compost heap analysis was another vital piece of the puzzle. On Instagram you will find my posts on CHA\naka compost heap analysis. I share some\nexamples of compost piles and then discuss what they tell us about their\nhumans. DM me with any questions. This kind\nof analysis can change your life as well as your diet. After all, as my Grandfather Wilfred Otis Hogbottom always\nsaid, \u201cThe better the peelings the better the dealings\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One last giveaway that a garden will be ripe for the pickings is a fence. In fact, I\u2018d go so far as to say the taller the fence the better, and the Green Hope Farm vegetable garden has a whopping 8 foot one all around its perimeter. \u00a0I know this sounds like a paradox but hear me out. \u00a0A fence like that guarantees no competition with deer but allows me to easily worm my way under its bottom.\u00a0 Perfecto!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Because of our annual “Woodchuck Nation” convention in late June during which I gave the keynote speech, \u201cThe Vegan Lifestyle,\u201d I arrived at my garden of choice after the pea harvest.\u00a0 This was a bit of a bummer as a large portion of the garden had been planted in peas and from what I heard the humans say, a good harvest had been had by all but me.\u00a0 However I was not too worried about my long term prospects as this gardener had chosen my favorite plant to make the focus of her garden season. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yes, the particular pleasure of rampaging through the Green Hope Farm vegetable garden this summer was that the gardener had gotten very interested in growing bush beans, shelling beans and a massive number of pole beans for drying.\u00a0 She even built rather professional looking bean pole rows and gathered heirloom seeds from all over the country. As I sat in the doorway of my den each night surveying my larder, I waited with some impatience for these bean crops to ripen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You know I am a social creature. How else could I have 7.6 million followers\non Instagram? So when the first bush beans ripened (rows and rows of beans\nincluding such treats as Red Swan, Roma II and the incomparable Empress), I\ncalled in a coterie of neighborhood woodchucks to take the whole crop down in a\nsingle night. As we ate and danced in\nthe moonlight, I could only laugh as I noticed deer outside our fenced-in\ngarden joining the fun by eating the entire adjoining field of potato plants. Oh what a night!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then there was a lull while I only ate the arugula, zucchini, summer squash, lettuce, spinach, borage, beet greens, parsley and broccoli.\u00a0 The foolish gardener somehow thought the poles would keep the pole beans safe from me, but I knew to hold our annual “Woodchuck Love Fest” on site when the pole beans grew abundant and tender.\u00a0 I will reveal how we ate beans growing four, five even six feet off the ground in my next book, \u201cBean Bonanza.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And now the season comes to a close.\u00a0 I have eaten everything and therefore put on the necessary fat layer all successful woodchucks sport come fall.\u00a0 As I sit by my den surveying the damage, I know all is right with the world.\u00a0 I am not even worried about the gardener\u2019s muttered threats about getting a “Have a Heart” trap to capture and move me.\u00a0 If only she kept track of the Woodchuck best seller list on Amazon she would notice that I wrote everyone\u2019s favorite, \u201cHave a Care and Outsmart that Have a Heart Trap\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So thank you for reading my report and be sure and catch me on Instagram, FB, Tik Tok, Snapchat, on my podcast, on TV and of course in the gardens where it all happens.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Most sincerely,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Reginald Montgomery “Chuckie” Hogbottom \u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Report from Reginald Montgomery \u201cChuckie\u201d Hogbottom, Order of the Woodchuck, Recipient of the medal of honor \u201cMarmota Monax\u201d September 2019 Knighted as Groundhog of the Realm, May 2022 This season I took up the challenge of life in the main vegetable garden of Green Hope Farm, a quaint little outfit in the hills of the … Continue reading Report from the Woodchuck<\/span>